Move on, count your losses, count your blessings, better to have loved (liked) and lost than never to have loved (liked) at all, get over it, there’s plenty of fish in the sea, blah blah blah whatever else I’m tired of trying to tell myself.
Since this blog is about my life and how I’m trying to figure things out – I’m just going to share my biggest current personal point of frustration regardless of how ridiculous it is.
I’ve already written about my most recent relationship blunder and it’s been three months since then and we only actually “dated” (if it was even up to that?) for maybe a month but I’m still bummed about it. And this is abnormal for me – I’m a “well, it wasn’t meant to be so it isn’t anymore!” kind of person and with the above background information, this breakup should be a breeze for me to get over, right? Not so much apparently.
I’ve thought about it and one explanation for my inability to move on could be that the chance to really truly find out if it wasn’t meant to be wasn’t even given room to breathe. Yes, I ended it, but I did so preemptively and I tried explain this but the person had already “moved on” by the time I came to that realization.
It takes me a LONG time to open up to a partner – it even takes me a bit to feel at ease around them – I’m a tough nut to crack. If you’re so inclined to enjoy astrology, I’m a cancer and though I’m trying to soften my hard shell just try to imagine a crab without its shell – that’s a very unnerving site! I’m still stuck on the “but what if?” because it wasn’t explored fully. My shell was thick and tough thanks to the relationship before this one (cheating, lying, yelling, emotional manipulation, all around bad news bears). What could have been if my walls weren’t so solidly up? Sure it could’ve ended just the same, but it would be with reason.
And that’s the other big component that’s missing from this breakup – the lack of clarity in my closure. Moved on? Ok, but why? There’s got to be a reason, right? I post on Facebook too much, I’m pushy, I hate the TV news, the physical attraction just wasn’t there, the spark was more like a fizzle, I’m too in my own head half the time then writing blogs the other half. . . I need something identifiable that I can stick next to the expiration date of the relationship and say “Yeah, that makes sense.” The vague nebulous of potential reasons has got my heart shoving its foot in the door whispering that there’s still a chance. No, heart! There is NOT a chance! But without enough information that the brain can process then relay to the heart that damn heart will just not let it go.
I never would have thought that at 32 I’d be writing about relationship woes on a damn blog. This seemingly disproportionate heartache makes me feel borderline pathetic but I think this is just me being human. I have to admit that I’m not indestructible for once and I’m not used to that. I suppose I could consider it a lesson in humility. It’s all so cliche though.
It’ll be easier one day. Even without closure. I just need to remind myself that it’s ok to not be ok, regardless of how ridiculous it seems to indulge that.